Finding the Right Fit: What to Ask in a Spiritual Direction Introductory Call
Searching for a spiritual director can feel a bit like walking through an unfamiliar landscape. Where do you start, and how do you know who is the right person for you?
Most spiritual directors offer an initial, short conversation often called an introductory session or a "chemistry call." This 30-to-60-minute chat is a mutual space to see if your personalities, styles, and spiritual approaches click.
Depending on the practitioner, these calls can take a couple of different shapes. Some people offer a "taste" of what a full session might actually feel like, while for others, it is more a chance to meet and touch base on logistics and expectations.
If you are preparing for a call and aren’t sure how to discern if a director is the right fit for you, here are the vital questions to ask yourself and the director during your time together.
Questions to Ask the Director
You don’t need to grill them like a corporate job interview, but asking these intentional questions will give you a clear window into their professional boundaries, their unique framework, and how they handle the realities of the spiritual life.
1. The "Supervision" Question
"Are you currently in supervision, and do you have your own spiritual director?"
🚩 The Green Flag: You are looking for a definitive "Yes" to both. A healthy director doesn't operate in a vacuum. A yes means they are deeply committed to their own ongoing formation, stay grounded in their own spiritual life, and have a trusted supervisor checking their blind spots.
2. The "Approach" Question
"How would you describe your 'style'? Are you more of a silent listener, or do you offer prompts, poems, and creative exercises?"
💡 Why it matters: Spiritual directors come from a rich variety of traditions and training backgrounds. Hearing how they describe their unique style helps you see if their way of holding space matches your personality and what you intuitively need in this season.
3. The "Boundaries" Question
"What are your parameters around confidentiality and safeguarding? How do you define what spiritual direction is and isn't?"
🛡️ Why it matters: A well-trained director will clearly explain that while anything from your life can be brought to the table, spiritual direction focuses specifically on noticing and wondering how the Spirit is moving in your life. It is distinct from counselling, therapy, coaching, or mentoring. They should also be transparent about the legal and ethical boundaries of confidentiality, such as their commitment to safeguarding protocols if there is a risk of serious harm or abuse.
4. The "Practical" Question
"What is your policy on fees? Do you offer a sliding scale or a 'pay what you can' model if my circumstances change?"
📋 Why it matters: Clear ground rules remove anxiety. A healthy practice relies on a formal "Working Agreement" that outlines their fee or donation structure, meeting frequency (typically every 4–6 weeks), and cancellation policy. Knowing they are transparent about money ensures you won't face awkward surprises later.
Questions to Ask Yourself (The Real Chemistry Test)
While the practical questions give you the facts, spiritual direction is ultimately discerned in the gut and the heart. As you chat with the director—and right after the call wraps up—take a few quiet moments to check in with your own internal responses.
"Can I imagine myself sharing my doubts, hesitations, or messy emotions with this person?" Spiritual direction isn't just about sharing your spiritual highs; it’s about having a safe container for your dry spells, your anger, and your deepest uncertainties. You want a companion who isn't afraid of the "dark" or heavy parts of the journey. If you felt the need to perform or give the "correct religious answers" during your chat, take note of that. You want a director with whom you can be entirely honest with.
"Did I feel rushed, or did I feel invited to slow down?" A primary gift of spiritual direction is the resistance of rush. Did the director’s presence feel like a deep exhale?
"Did they hold space well, or did they rush to give advice?" A spiritual director is not a lifestyle coach or a guru. Their job is to listen to you and to the Spirit. Even if they offered a brief "taste" session, did you feel heard, or did they spend the majority of the time talking about themselves or offering quick fixes?
Trusting Your Discernment
There is no such thing as a universally "perfect" spiritual director, but there is definitely such a thing as a right match for your current season of life. If you leave the call feeling a faint pull of curiosity, peace, or a sense of "I think I could be honest here," that is a wonderful sign to book an initial session.
If you leave feeling a bit flat or disconnected, thank them for their time. A good director will never be offended; in fact, they will happily celebrate your self-discernment and may even recommend a colleague who better fits what you are looking for.
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